remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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