Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
