its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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