so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
