True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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