If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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