Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You're breaking my sexual little heart
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
