Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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