Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
