OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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