even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
