He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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