a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
