my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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