drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
