I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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