I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
