god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
