the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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