I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
