On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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