So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
