I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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