I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
