JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
