Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
