I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
