Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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