There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We are all done wearing pants today
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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