evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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