I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
