im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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