You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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