Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
