Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
