My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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