I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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