It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
