where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
