My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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