There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
