i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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