I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
