So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize