I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
