I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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