Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
