Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
