mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
