why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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