I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
