I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
