Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize