The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
