Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
