if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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