Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
