1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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