My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
