I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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