ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
