ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
